“It’s super easy to just sit and write forever about nothing.”
~excerpt from one of my draft blog posts
There is therapeutic value to me in stream-of-consciousness writing, just to get my jumbled thoughts down on paper and then look at them. Then I can see what’s going through my head and make changes or decisions accordingly.
The tricky part is to take those ramblings and turn them into something to share with my readers. I have 102 draft blog posts of this type—ideas, scattered thoughts, story bits—that have not seen the light of day outside of my editing dashboard. Some may never be read by eyes other than my own.
The intention with each of them was to eventually polish them up and publish them as complete articles. Alas, sometimes we can’t get beyond the initial idea.
However, as I looked back at them, I realized there might be value in sharing them exactly as-is. They show different states of mind and various levels of self-doubt, reprimand, and reflection. Taken all together, they offer a rare glimpse of Evelyn in her raw form. We’re all works in progress, aren’t we?
I present to you, my unfiltered thoughts on life:
As a reminder, these are all raw blog entry snippets copy/pasted from my drafts folder. I’ve given the snippets titles so they’re more fun to read.
Sometimes I’m worried about dying. I’m not ready to die; there’s too much I want to do. But then I get this voice telling me that if I have too much to do, then I need to prove it, and start doing it! Otherwise, what’s the point of living???
I have to admit that makes a lot of sense… It’s scary, though. I haven’t been doing much lately. Nor have I been grateful for life. The voice has a very very good point.
I don’t understand why I’m so lazy.
There’s so much to do!!!!!!!! I’m so unsatisfied…. I want to be creative, but….. am not.
The thing that I’m sensing for myself is that I am trying to get to the end results too quickly. I’m trying to skip over the steps that it will take to get there. “There” is the goal which I haven’t quite defined yet. But I keep thinking about all these things that need to be accomplished, and the only way to accomplish them is to take steps to get there. I can’t skip the steps. It’s like seeing a long crescent-shaped beach spread out in front of me and thinking that I want to take one giant step and reach the other side straight across the water, when I actually have to take the circuitous route, because that’s really the only way I can get there. Or is it? I can ask someone to help, and maybe they have a boat, and can help me across. But if I want to slog there by myself, it’s going to take some considerable effort.
Furthermore, there are times when I think that just by sitting by myself on the shore and thinking about the other side that somehow I’ll get there. And maybe I will, if I wait long enough and the tide comes up and grabs me and floats me over there, but I’ll probably arrive dead and useless, and that’s no good.
On Being Cool
I want to be cool, fun, hip.
On Starting Over
I’m in an internal battle.
I want to start over completely fresh, from scratch, and I also want to build on everything I already have.
On some hands, it’s easier to go if you’re already going, and you can make adjustments on what you’ve already done.
On some other hands, it’s easier to start completely fresh, with a blank slate.
On some hands, it is much more complicated and confusing to sort through what’s already there to see the common threads that a re worth keeping, and to decide what to hold onto of what you already have.
On some other hands, it’s incredibly intimidating to start from nothing. To decide where to go and how to get there, when you have nothing guiding you, no pieces to pick from.
On What Matters
It doesn’t matter what I write. It does matter what I write. I’m just writing to see how I feel about each statement. Trying to find what is true for me. Trying to find my focus again. Seeing if it’s still there, hoping I’m not a product of the low-attention-span generation.
Okay, now I’m listening to a song that is making me think about love and how that is functioning in my life.
Dare I tell you my big dream?
I always thought the world was waiting for me to produce something big, and since I wasn’t ready to do it, I was failing.
I hate not reaching my goals. I hate admitting that I haven’t reached them. I hate being open about my failure, no matter how small. I hate making excuses, and I hate when people justify my short-comings for me.
I just changed my password. Not surprising, then, that now I can’t log in.
On Material Goods
As far as material things go, I’m pretty happy—although I’d like a knife sharpener and some stretchy exercise bands.
On Being Slow
I’ve always felt that people want me to hurry up.
It’s because I grew up in a very large family. We were always trying to get out the door, and if you were the one holding people up, they grew impatient.
I used to take my time and enjoy my food, until one day I became self-aware that everyone was always waiting for me—and I was always too slow to get any left-overs.
I forced myself to be fast. Efficient. First.
Now I’m tired of hurrying. I want to make like a sloth and slow down!
On Something Mysterious
Yikes! It’s going to happen this year!
On Being Disappointed
“Start a business.” That’s all it said. It was a draft blog post I had written on April 15, 2013, titled “Post-PC Plans.”
What have I done in the [two] years since Peace Corps? I haven’t started a business. There’s no money-generating scheme that I can point to, and that’s disappointing to me!
On What Makes Me Unique
My baby pinky toe that is half the length of my other toes and curls under so far it looks like it’s been cut off. My tiny ears that people used to laugh at in high school. My long legs. My tan hands.
Do any of these resonate with you? Do you ever have similar thoughts? Do you have a “drafts” folder? Please share!
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