Who are you anyway? Why are you here? What gives you joy? What makes you mad?
I’m tired of all of these abstract questions but can’t seem to get away from them. I want to bring it down to a level that makes sense, that you can understand. I want you to once and for all understand, “What does it mean to be yourself?” But I can’t find that level of clarity today—or yesterday—and don’t foresee it coming tomorrow, either.
I’ve been on a “no sugar” diet for two weeks, and I think it’s making me cranky. Oh yeah, not just no sugar, but also no corn and no dairy. No cheese. You know how much I love cheese. All part of a protocol to get rid of some parasites in my system. Is it working? Not a clue. So far the symptoms (which I won’t get into, as this is not that type of blog) haven’t cleared up. But Dr. Phil has been a trust-worthy physician for my family for years, so I’m still betting that he knows what he’s doing, even though I’ve been ingesting Turpentine twice daily for two weeks.
(Call me crazy. That’s what it means to be me. What does it mean to be you? That’s the question we’re trying to delve into here.)
Have you ever felt down in the dumps?
This past week I seem to have lost all direction, and it’s starting to turn into a bigger existential crisis than I had anticipated. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m headed. I’m at the point of giving up. Not giving giving up. More stop caring giving up. Or stop trying for awhile giving up.
What’s my bigger purpose? Is it blogging? Is blogging part of it? I enjoy writing this blog, but hit my head against the wall over and over again (ouch) trying to figure out the “point.”
What value am I providing? Is it worth my time?
Would you vote with your dollars? If I put a “donate” button here, would you click on it?
It’s okay. I don’t expect money for nothing.
What I do expect is more from myself. I want to use my skills to help people. I want people to find value in what I’m putting out into the world. I don’t know how to best do that.
I seem to be stumbling backwards, repeating the same old cycles.
Sorry to be dumping on you. Sorry. Sorry… not sorry.
Can’t we be honest about who we are, how we see ourselves, without people getting concerned that we’re not being positive? or that we’re not portraying the person they thought we were?
Another day, I’ll write the rosy version of Myself. Today, I’m a harsh critic. The harshest. A judge of myself and my worth in the world.
What Does it Mean To Be Yourself?
It means having days where you feel the lowest, the crappiest, the worst, the most incompetent, the least motivated.
I tried to sketch it out today through a brainstorming session. Who am I? How do I spend my time? What defines me?
I feel like I failed. The project, which I was so excited about earlier in the day, became a humongous chore that I didn’t want to finish. Here’s another type of list:
- By day I’m a worker bee, Monday-Friday, 8:00-5:00. I like my job, and I’m immensely excited about a huge upcoming project called “Domain of One’s Own,” that I’ll be running.
- By evening, I’m an entrepreneur who’s not making any money and who doesn’t have a business.
- Thursdays I’m a salsa dancer.
- Tuesdays I’m a reluctant Toastmaster.
- Every November, I write a novel. Someday I’ll publish one. That ubiquitous someday.
- Februaries are for writing letters.
- I love to read. That’s been a constant in my life.
- I’m a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer.
I’m an artist who needs more practice.
My Self is defined in so many different ways.
What Does it Mean To Be Yourself?
It means having a ton of different facets, without all of which you would not be complete.
You are comprised of:
- Your daily behaviors
- Your hopes and dreams
- Your past (Golly. The things I’ve been learning about the past lately! I think that’s another reason I’m feeling so regressive. Look for a post about that in the future.)
- Your life experiences
- Your family
- Your beliefs
- Your fears
- Your hobbies
- Your work
- Your challenges
- Your strengths and weaknesses
So BEING YOURSELF means bringing all of these things with you everywhere you go. You might draw on them, ignore them, block them out, trust them, judge them, change them, use them, love them.
But no matter what, you are them.
Be yourself. Is it even possible to be anyone else?
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